This a true story about my battle with sexual addiction and how God's
love was the only thing that could save me...Eventually this could
become rather detailed so those who are easily shaken should probably
just read another blog....
I pray that my sharing this might help just one other person out there who might be in the same darkness I was...
I'm not a writer so I know there are grammatical errors here...please just read
God bless
Teresia M. Simmons
******
Raise up a child…
My parents made a spiritual pact of sorts to see if one scripture in the Bible could be shown forth in their family.
“Bring up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he shall not depart from it…” My parents felt that this was a wonderful and powerful goal to strive for. Their childhoods had many hard times and harsh memories. Like any parents they wanted the lives of their children to be better than their own. My parents taught me to have a deep love for family but an independent mind. I was to grow close but also grow up. I needed to someday be able to take care of myself and take responsibility for my own actions. However, I was to always remember that no matter what my family and my God would always be there for me.
The times I enjoyed most as a child were times spent with church members, with family members, and with my own thoughts. Almost every free moment of my time as a child was spent with family or spent with family in church. Together my siblings and I developed a strong love for each other and a love for singing together. Those bonds would never leave us. It was the third thing I liked to do that started to get me into trouble. For the most part the salvation of my home had put my little mind to rest. However, at every opportunity I did snatch bits and pieces of information and imagery whenever they were available. But you’d be surprised at still how very innocent I was. I didn’t want to know for any bad or vulgar reason. I just wanted to know. My independence and extreme ability to observe my surroundings just made it one other thing to learn about. I was always pleased to learn something new to stash away in my little mind. But because
sex was such a shady subject I could never really get a conclusive
yes you know everything you need to know. So I kept observing and taking in any new information I could.
Oh, if only my parents had known that my mind was growing up far faster than my little body.
I was so young to the eyes but my parents strong independent genes and teachings had really rubbed off.
Probably faster and stronger than they would have liked.
I couldn't’t tell you they day or the time that the self exploration started . To be honest it didn’t start out as a sexual anything at all. It went something like this...
Mom had just warned me that I must got to the bathroom before I go to bed. She didn’t want to hear me getting up in the middle of the night to go and I had better not pee in the bed.
I didn’t go!
I had totally forgotten because I was so tired. But my body didn’t forget that I had drunk a big glass of water before bed.
Not sure why but I had this thing for getting something to drink before I went to sleep. And I know I’m going to cry for a little while after I type this next part because it just so hard emotionally to look at something that started out so innocent and Satan twisted it and made it so FILTHY. Anyway, I had forgotten to go to the bathroom and I really didn’t want to get into any trouble. I tried to keep my mind off of it for a while but that didn’t work out all that great. I just didn’t want to get into trouble. I crossed my legs like anyone would trying to hold it in. In one quick swoop I took my teddy bear and stuck its head between my legs. I figured that if I did pee on myself at least I could pee on the bear and not in the bed.
I was still very much a little kid in most of my thinking process. Like notice I didn’t think about what I’d do with a teddy bear full of urine. On with the rest…I kept the bear where it was and continued to do the ‘potty dance’ in my bed because I refused to get into trouble. After a few minutes of moving around the bear seemed to have helped me not need to go so bad…or was it the movement. All in all because I kept moving around with the bear down there a completely different feeling took over and I didn’t feel the need to go to the bathroom anymore. I was safe. I wouldn't’t get into trouble and what ever that feeling was it was much better then the I have to go potty really bad feeling. So I turned over and went to sleep.
I wish I could tell you the story ended there…but that would be a lie
The problem would come after a few incidences almost identical to this
But later a connection with the sexual would be made
And my addiction
Would take
Its place
.
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